24 February 2006

Chuck Norris: The Truth.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." Then you ask, "Two seconds till what?" and he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but simply because he has run out of women.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But Chuck Norris never cries.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you are only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is so tough that when he enters a village, the village rapes and pillages itself.

Chuck Norris once ate five 72oz steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes banging the waitress.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a lake, he doesn't get wet, the water gets chuck.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.


  1. Fucking genius!!!!!!!!!

  2. I haven't Laughed this much since Blackadder 2.

    Shaun Kelley, Barking, Essex.